I spent five days at Myrtle Beach and somehow between hanging with friends and activities I found time to reflect. I found a moment to walk down to the beach by myself. Take my shoes off and walk to the ocean. The moon was huge in the sky and there was a slight breeze coming off the ocean. I stood there letting the water hit my feet and I took in the vastness of the sea. The waves crashing down and pulling back.
I thought of my mortality and what I have done and what I wanted to do. I thought of my parents who are both gone. What would they think of me? What would it have been like today if they were still around?
In think all that I wanted was more. More in being I wanted to be satisfied in my life. You wrote two books and a third one on the way! You have to be satisfied right now, right? I could be, but I don’t feel satisfied. I’m sure my parents would be proud of me. I’m doing what I have always wanted to do. I’m slowly living my dream. Will I get to where I am going? Yes. It all takes time and hard work, but it pays off in the end.
In the words of a traveler: You will know when it is time to stop. My heart beats fast with creativity. I think it’s because I’ve kept it bottled up for so many years. Though I never stopped writing. I just never shared it with everyone. And now that I’ve published Bang and The House of Balestrom, I’m urged by this force greater than me to create more. I’m not going to lie it’s not easy to write a book, but I think some people think differently when it comes to me. But it’s really not easy. It takes time and patience and work. You have to experience your characters like you experience life or else they are not real. You have to know what makes them–go.
I would be a fool if I ever told anyone I don’t think ahead. I do. I can’t help it. It’s that flow of creativity I was talking about. Like the ocean my brain is constantly moving.
I have about 36 books I want to write and they are all plotted out and ready to go. Will I get to all of them? Yes. Some before others. I think of what I want to say and I get a story rolling around in my head and before I know it I have a plot and a outline. I eventually develop a working title and I may even write the first few pages just to get the feel of the story. But it doesn’t mean I will write it next. It just means that I feel the need to let it simmer in my brain for awhile before I can release it on page. How do I know when to do that? It happens when the urge takes over and I become obsessed with my characters and the story. I let it consume me. I breath that story until it becomes my reality–because it is my reality. (weird loony talk, I know)
Looking back at myself and the world, while I stood on the beach, I thought of two things:
1. What was it like to discover the world for the first time? You have people in history who were afraid to go any further than they had to, for fear of being lost forever. Or they may get attacked by a sea monster. Or even better fall off the edge of the world into nothingness. They took that chance to cross a huge ocean into the unknown–waiting for the end to come up on them, but their end was land. I stood there at the ocean looking out at the edge of my world. The only world I know and yet there is someone doing the same thing on the other side. We could be looking at each other.
2. What would it be like to be stranded in a life boat in the middle of the ocean? Alone. Dark. Drifting. I got chills. And then determined. That is survival kicking in. The moment in your life where you decide to live and look for a way out. It may seem strange to think of something like that, but that is where my brain goes. I like to explore dark areas of the mind. It’s my nature.
But overall, I end up answering my own questions:
Am I on the right track? Yes.
Will I survive? Yes.
Will there be more? Yes.
Will I inspire someone else? Yes.
Will I be satisfied so I can rest? Yes.